Hello all. While on my internet journeys, finding various and mostly useful issues of interest and lore….I happened upon this funny but serious bucket list titled “Rules For Dating My Son”; apparently written by a mother who wishes to remain anonymous:
Well…that was quite a journey; wasn’t it, my hearts? All things considered, I find it interesting that this mother not only wishes to remain anonymous, but limits her demands and expectations to only 10. That’s quite a feat, if you ask me! So, I gave it some serious pondering and thought “Why not?”. In a moment of clarity, I decided then and there to join in on the fun and publish my very own “My Rules For YOU While I’m Dating Your Son”!
Before you begin…please kindly take a moment to note and read my Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend anyone, anywhere, anyhow or by any means. The views and opinions expressed in the following presentation are those of the author (Yours, truly!), and do not necessarily represent any particular official policy or position except that of the author. Also, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events, whether stated or implied, is purely coincidental. If you are super-sensitive and easily offended, you are encouraged to look away, change pages now and please do not read beyond THIS point. For those brave Souls who are still here…do read on and enjoy!
My Rules For YOU While I’m Dating Your Son
1. He is not YOUR ATM, either, dear.
2. If you show up to MY place or call while your son and I are enjoying each others’ company and/or making love…I will make you go away; by force, if necessary.
3. If you try to stop me from making you go away, I will call the police and will have you arrested for trespassing.
4. If Rule #3 happens to turn violent…it will still be YOUR fault because you came over, UNINVITED, and onto MY PRIVATE PROPERTY. You can and will be arrested.
5. Because I really do love your son, I would hate to do either Rule #2, Rule #3 or Rule #4 to you; so please DO NOT MAKE ME DO THAT TO YOU.
6. BUT please understand that I can and I will do Rule #3 and/or Rule #4 to you IF you choose to break Rule #2.
7. For your information, and about your opinion: He may have started out as your “Mama’s Boy”, but he’s MY MAN, now. THAT ring isn’t going to be, can never be and will never be LEGALLY on YOUR finger; so there’s that.
8. Past a certain age, usually about 21 years or so, you are not legally in charge of your son, either. He should be in charge of himself, and he would be IF you would kindly take your tit out of his mouth; in a manner of speaking.
9. I hope, for your sake, you do know how to avoid jail. In an effort to save you from doing irreparable harm to yourself, please review Rule #2 through Rule #6.
10. If your son is truly the gentleman you believe you have raised, then you should trust his judgement in choosing his own suitable mate for himself; since your son will be sleeping and waking up next to me and not you. Should I have the honor and pleasure of being the one your son elects as his wife-to-be, you have no choice but to trust him because after all and as you say….you raised him. As far as your son, aka MY MAN, is concerned: I AM a lady and I DO deserve him; so be the adoring mother he says you are, HONOR YOUR SON’s wishes and STFU.
11. Should you weasel and snake your path safely over, around and through all my above stated Rules; you will enjoy and have and hold the esteemed honor and pleasure of forever knowing and referring to me as your beloved daughter-in-law! In sweet exchange, I will always honor and cherish you as my mother-in-law; because after all…you chose to give my husband Life. And because I do love your son with all my heart and Soul, I will always honor you, and be grateful to you for that. As you and yours become an honorable and major part of my extended Family and my Life, please know that I will always make time for you and yours as I help shoulder and carry your burdens as though they are my own, take your cares upon myself as much as humanly possible, and share in your joys, as well.
12. You are not losing your son, but you are gaining me as your beloved daughter. Please know that after marriage, my above stated Rules will apply more than ever. Should you have the unfortunate chance of breaking any of my above stated Rules, you will come to know the full fury of my womanhood when I take appropriate action as a full and an equal partner…a consort battleship…along with, or if need be without, my husband, aka your son. You will respect, honor and refer to me always as the co-head of OUR household, AND….YOUR SON’S BELOVED AND HONORABLE WIFE. Further, you will respect your son and will honor me in this regard…as I honor and respect you and your position.
13. PLEASE NOTE: Should you, or any other woman or outsider, choose to dig your own graves as you foolishly choose to interfere and/or break up OUR happy home in any way, shape, form or fashion or try to throw a monkey wrench of any kind into OUR mix before, during or after OUR courtship and wedding leading to OUR happy marriage: I will hunt you down like the evil, slithering, conniving, low-lying, fore-flushing, back-stabbing, home-wreaking, Jocasta Complex bitch that you are, and I will make your life an absolute living hell…forever (et.al). Understand?
Now then….I highly recommend a nice, organic baked potato with butter and sour cream to go along with your heirloom, organic salad and prime sirloin steak…and would you like that bloody, rare, medium or well done? My treat. :D
Til next time….shine on you crazy diamonds, til your dreams come true. Love you xo.
(Copyright 2013-2015; Nadine’s Enterprises, Ltd., Aurora Borealis Entertainment, Ltd.; Aurora Borealis, Ltd., Keri-Lynn’s Music, Inc., ASCAP; and Keri-Lynn’s Official World Media. All Rights Reserved. This content contains excerpts from Keri-Lynn’s yet to be titled, upcoming biography, and may not be copied, reproduced, distributed, broadcast, transmitted, reused, resold, etc. at anytime, in any way, shape, form or fashion without the expressed, written consent of Keri-Lynn, Nadine’s Enterprises, Ltd. and her attorneys.)